To Arm or Disarm..

It’s not supposed to be like this.

I feel like that has played over and over in my head. It can’t be like this. This can’t keep continuing. Our children are supposed to feel safe. Our staff is supposed to feel safe. We don’t. Children are supposed to be excited to come and learn and play and be happy. THEY SHOULDNT BE WORRIED ABOUT SOMEONE COMING TO HURT THEM.

I try to not be scared. I try to be brave and strong and courageous. All of the things that we teach our children to be on a daily basis.

BUT HOW.

How can we be safer, how can we be better equipped, how can we stop it from happening?

Those are questions that run through my mind. I asked my husband to move countries because of it. I’m terrified. BUT. I still show up to teach because those CHILDREN deserve it.

Those Children that can’t go back to school, they deserve my courage and my strength.

My own students deserve my strength and courage and bravery.

You weren't mine, but I cried like you were.

No.. the students that passed weren't mine, but I lost a piece of me when you died. I wept like you were mine, I broke like you were mine.

Every time I hear about a shooting within a school and the tragedy that comes with it.. I lose another piece of my heart since I began teaching. I break a little more each time the news hits. I mean, how do you not?

I sat in my room today and thought about if it was me and my own class. What would I do if I was the first room, what would I do if they got in, how could I save my kids? How many bullets could I take? What do I put in front of my door to hold them off?

Every teacher has done it. They have surveyed their classroom. they have looked for exits and ran the procedures through their head. I do it. I do it a lot. I sat in my room after I heard the news and I did it again. I went and reread the procedures. I went through multiple scenarios in my head and tried to figure my way out of it. How would I calm myself through the chaos? How would I keep my class calm and quiet? I tried to work every angle I could to better prepare myself and my room and my class and my mind. Then I realized.. There is no right answer, there is no right way or wrong way to do things. There is no way to prepare yourself for something of that magnitude and nature. And I cried at that realization.

The truth is, every time I hear this I just pray it’s never my class or my school, And that’s the sad truth. Every teacher just prays that it’s not them.

Perspective

There’s so many different perspectives on how to handle situations like this. The few that I have come across are: to arm the teachers, arm the schools, make guns harder to obtain, and the list goes on and on. I can't give you the right answer, because clearly no one knows. I do think something absolutely needs to be done, this just cannot keep continuing.

Schools in Alabama have been adding mobile lockdown rooms that are within the classroom and takes seconds to assemble.

My personal opinion is that this is a mental health problem.

Most of the people are carrying out these attacks are mentally unstable or mentally ill. Our world definitely has a mental health problem. Statistically you can look at high government officials and see how they are guarded, and 100% of the time they are guarded with the use of firearms. The polar opposite, on the other end of the world and spectrum, Europe has banned guns all together due to attacks.

Who do you call?

But.. When you need the attack stopped, who do you call?

You call someone that has training, and a firearm. I guess it's fighting fire with fire. There is no reasoning, logically, on why people do this. When you have a problem, you look at reasoning, and the way behind it. In my opinion, there is no way there can never be a defining reason as to why someone would come in to a school and hurt children at all.

Why don't we matter enough?

When looking at these attacks, all I can think of is that we are a government ran building. We should receive government funding to stop these attacks, or make our schools more safe. Again, statistically speaking... sporting events, the president, jewelry stores, music, festivals, banks, courts, and hospitals are all defended by the use of firearms. Why are schools not on that list? Why is the only defending factor that schools have is a sign that says a gun free zone? Why do our students and our children and our teachers not matter enough for the government to find something just like the building as previously stated? That’s the big question that I have as a teacher. Why are we not important enough for change?

I wonder if this is what Jesus felt when he wept.

I weep for our kids and our country and my unborn children and their safety that I’m already scared for. I weep for the parents that are scared to drop their kids off to school, I weep for the teachers that are scared for their day, I weep for the admin who is supposed to keep the school safe and the unknown on how to handle all of these situations, I weep for the districts and the first responders that are called.

Optimism.

I’m an optimistic person and in today's world some people think you are a fool for being optimistic.

But, I believe in change and I believe in this world. I believe that our lives are important enough to protect.

But today.. I am sad. I am sad for the parents and the teachers and everyone within this profession. Just as you teach your students, remember it yourself..

It's okay to be sad right now. It's okay to be overwhelmed with uncertainty and anxiety. It's okay to feel lazy and unmotivated. Let yourself feel it all. It will pass, and it will get better.

A note to the teachers that are fed up..

Teachers,

If you don’t have a reason to show up for your kids today and you’re tired and you're done with the year.. Show up for the children that don’t have that luxury anymore. Because.. it is a luxury now a days. Isn’t that heart breaking.. it’s a luxury to go to school and be safe.. Show up for the students that are gone, show up for the students that are here and need you, just show up. They're only with you for a short time, and that time is precious and exciting. The end of the year is the best time for you and your class because their large learning is over. You're laughing and celebrating and giving them courage for state testing. At the end of the year, it's bitter sweet.

So show up for those babies and keep showing up because even in the chaos that is April and May, the best memories are made during this time.

xoxo,

Spilling the Tea